What a waste

Okay, here's something I hate to do, but I gotta do it. I have to post a really bad review. Well, it's a really good review (read: well written) of a terrible album. Could somebody please turn me onto something good by this band? If they're so legendary, why does this album blow so fucking hard? Eh, anyway, here it is:

Cathedral - The Garden of Unearthly Delights
Nuclear Blast Records
26 September 2005
2 stars

I'm not sure where to begin with this one. Hieronymous Bosch must be rolling in his grave. From the atrocious album art to the uninspired and clichéd songwriting this is utterly terrible. Now maybe I shouldn't be one to say too much about this band. After all, Cathedral has been around for over fifteen years now and their (ever-changing) lineup has seen the likes of some of metal's finest (with former Napalm Death vocalist Lee Dorrian still leading the way) . The Garden... is rumored to be their last album and though I'm not too familiar with their catalog, if this is indicative of anything, it's that they should have already hung up the boots.

Although I'd love to go into some of the band's history in order to salvage something meaningful here, I can't and I shouldn't. This review should be solely about the music contained within. I don't really have anything good to say. Cathedral is touted as a legendary doom band. Unfortunately, there doesn't seem to be anything doomy about this record: it's moderately fast, very straightforward and the vocals are too clean. The best thing I can compare this album to is a worse Orange 9mm singing about fantastical dragony stuff; something that nearly always annoys me. Hell, Orange 9mm was a lackluster post-hardcore band from when I was like fifteen or something. Nobody should ever have to make that sort of comparison to anybody so "legendary."

Cathedral began as an idea hatched backstage at a Carcass show in 1989, but here it sounds like a bunch of guys got stoned and listened to hair metal. What gives? I'll probably get shit from people because I dissed a Cathedral record, but I can't let this slide. Like Ronnie Dobbs said, "You are shittin' in my mouth and callin' it a sundae." Unearthly delights, indeed.