Update: "Unforgiven III"

The intro to this song is one of the lamest things I've ever heard. I was going to say one of the "gayest" songs ever. But that's not fair at all and I don't want to start a firestorm over my use of incendiary and incredibly offensive language (see what I did there?).

Also, the rest of the song sucks.

Now, "All Nightmare Long" is a good song. Listen to that one again before your ears revolt.

Metallica - Death Magnetic

This work was a long time coming. People everywhere (that care) have been all up-in-arms saying, "Metallica is BACK!" and then making minor qualifying statements about certain elements of the album. I have to agree to an extent, this is far closer to pre-Black Album Metallica than anything they've released in the 20 years since ...And Justice For All. The guitars are thrashy, punchy, crunchily distorted with none of whatever garbage that Bob Rock threw into all of the mixes when they joined forces with him. Hetfield's "bark" is back, or as back as it could be since his long locks are long gone. The lyrics are adolescent, but that was predictable since they've never been that interesting to begin with. Kirk lays down some serious riffage and has brought back the "late '80s thrash solo" which merely means, "I'm solely going to play a ton 32nd and 64th notes right here so deal with it." And while there will never be another Cliff, Robert Trujillo is more than capable of making himself heard and seems to have been allowed a far greater role in writing than Jason Newsted ever was.

As far as any of the above go, it's really what most people have already written. Amazing, really, because the reviews have been so consistent to point out the exact same things while each review exclaims, "Yeah, Metallica is Back!" Well, here's the problem; as much as I agree with all of them that this is a little bit exciting and that this is way better than anything since '88...Lars is still the drummer. Let's face it Lars sucks. He's the shittiest drummer in any notable metal band and has been since Metallica charged out. He got away with his weaknesses for a while but by the time ...And Justice... dropped it was clear that he had no chops. It's unfortunate that at the same time that they lost Cliff they also had to try and cover up for the fact that their drummer had run out of ideas and had been holding them back. We'll never know what Metallica could really have become because of these two factors, but it's clear on this album that there was a ceiling and they hit it by '88. Some of Lars' drum parts are so juvenile and simplistic that anybody familiar with a drumkit has to acknowledge that he's just not a good drummer; there are some beats in here that are not there for any effect other than, "Shit, I can't actually do anything awesome here, so I'll just play this."

But whatever, in the final observation all that anybody cares about is that this is the first Metallica album in 20 years that's worth cranking. Somebody should have stoned Bob Rock to death long ago, but I guess none of us understood that he was the major issue in their album construction because of the several other glaring issues present. Rick Rubin has brought out the good old Metallica, so proper gratitude must be floated his way. Death Magnetic doesn't get super high marks, but it's definitely worth picking up...er, downloading. Definitely download it. Do it for Lars.

Who is the CPA Programmer Metalhead?

This is ridiculous and also awesome. I was (belatedly) doing my taxes last night with TurboTax and started having all these problems understanding what the fuck was going on. Normally my mom does them for me, but at the tender age of 27, I was finally left to fend for myself (except for the good hour and a half I spent on the phone with mom this afternoon) and do my own damn taxes like a big boy. So anyway, TurboTax was sucking balls and then had the gall to tell me I owed the feds a stupid amount of money given the paltry amount I earned last year (I am not releasing the figures publicly). However, mom found an alternative while we were on the phone that worked far far better.

TAX SLAYER.

Yeah, you read that right. I used FUCKING TAX SLAYER! How awesome is that. Now I normally don't like to just give some random company a free ad, but COME ON! Could they have given themselves a better name?

What sucks? Taxes.
What do you do to stuff that sucks? SLAY THEM
(do I need to write anything about SLAYER here, too? jeez)

So yeah, if you're lazy and haven't done your taxes yet, it took me no more than 20 minutes to do the whole damn thing and I have 1099s and other bullshit. Also, they halved the amount that TurboTax said I owed. So I don't know what kind of shenanigans those morons were pulling, but I think everybody wins with Tax Slayer. I even like saying it.

Trapped in an alley, scared of clowns

Clown Alley's Circus of Chaos is a really fantastic re-release from Southern Lord that I really should have taken the time to post on during my hiatus from posting. This puppy was originally released in '86 on guitarist/producer Mark Deutrom's Alchemy Records. Mark and bassist Lorax (Lori Black) both played bass for The Melvins, something I'm assuming garnered them more notoriety than Clown Alley. Before this package got to me, I knew nothing about the band, though apparently they were a major act in San Francisco during the heady days of mid-80s crossover thrash metal. (Hey, I was 5 when this was first put out, so excuse my ignorance.) Thank Southern Lord for putting this out on CD for the first time, and just putting it back out there in general, because it's an awesome piece of musical history that includes rare bonus live material.
As for the album itself, Circus of Chaos combines the energy and attitude of early-80s hardcore with metal musicianship and songwriting. The guitar riffage is fast and precise while the rhythm section foreshadows early death metal. It's not overly complex, but it's also not as straightforward as most hardcore of that era. Fuck it, man, it's crossover! Basically the album rips and you should go get it. Also, make sure that beer and skateboards are at the ready; you'll understand why once you listen.

London in Brooklyn

The rain keeps coming, and thanks to Electricity Bill's Premiership "Preview", everything feels a little more English around here. Now for something emphatically not English...

Lower Forty-Eight - Apertures
Monotreme Records
17 October 2006
3 stars

I'm assuming there are plenty of Avail fans reading this (and you can count me among them), but I'm wondering how many of you really appreciate their work since they jumped to Fat Wreck. It was about that time that the material began to sound overproduced, their original passion seemed to dissipate and Tim Barry's vocals just went somewhere else. I have no idea where they went really, all I know is that there are few new-millenium Avail songs that really hit me. Well, Lower Forty-Eight vocalist Andrew Lund sounds exactly like what Tim Barry sounds like now.

San Francisco's Lower Forty-Eight lays out a tight mixture of mid-90s post-hardcore and early- to mid-90s skatecore. They display mature songwriting with complex guitar and bass lines supported by very solid drumming. While this band retains a certain level of technicality, it is never reaches the point of being unnecessary; it's generally mid-tempo music that remains interesting and listenable. Unfortunately, for all these positives, the vocals ruin the album.

I'm not sure what else to say. I really miss my old Avail. I really wish this band Lower Forty-Eight would rethink their vocal styling because otherwise they're so damn good. This is all a bit depressing especially since it won't stop raining.

Hot Hot Hot Goddam

When these guys came to town on April 28th I was totally blown away. I'll let my review words speak for themselves, instead of writing a dumb preface.

You Will Die - s/t
Hawthorne Street Records
5 stars

"No, we don't want a vocalist." And they don't need one either. You Will Die is an instrumental trio that hails from Indianapolis, not exactly a bastion of heavy music as far as I'm aware (Racebannon being the only other notable Indiana band I can think of at the moment. Sorry, Indiana). Here on their debut these guys have produced a whirlwind of face-smashing rock'n'sludge with plenty of grind-esque shrapnel thrown in to keep you on your toes. While they shouldn't be considered a "tech" band, they do keep their shredding slightly unorthodox and the songs never get stale.
You Will Die reminds me of a more pissed-off Keelhaul--who I love--so this album is a total winner. In their own words they describe their sound as, "The soundtrack to someone's last minute on earth before they headbutt a tablesaw." It works for me. Scoth's (yeah, Scoth) guitar and Jason's bass lines aren't exactly straightforward, but they come at you in a no-bones-about-it-I'm-gonna-kick-your-fool-ass kind of way, which rules. Here you'll find some super-crunchy hardcore riffage over bass that actually moves you as it adds dimension. The drumming on the album is nitro-fueled, gargantuan and downright impeccable. Whereas many great drummers can be boring to watch, (Brann Dailor comes to mind, though no offence intended) Errol is not. These guys have fun while they're playing and what they're playing is fucking fun. Despite the fact that this album is way too short even for my "leave me wanting more" standards, I haven't stopped playing it for the past month. Guys, seriously, give us more.

Straddlerod & The Capital City Fuckups

To really get this thing started right, I'm gonna repost a few of my recent BurningAngel reviews, so that just in case anybody stumbles onto this right away, they'll get something decent to read.

Watchmaker - Erased From the Memory of Man
Willowtip Records
25 October 2005
5 Stars

Erased From the Memory of Man, by Boston's Watchmaker, is a complete 26 minute aural evisceration. Building on their last effort, Kill.Fucking.Everyone., this album reveals increased focus on structure and songwriting. I don't think there's ever been a doubt as to their talent, but some of their earlier material sounded thrown together. Here, Watchmaker has channeled their energy so that instead of just being left with lacerated eardrums, you'll have body parts shorn clean off. From the guitar tones, to the explosive and unrelenting rhythm section, to the terrifying screams from the depths of living hell, Watchmaker will overload your synapses.

Quite fitting, then, that vocalist Brian Livoti is the proud owner of a sawblade microphone. Probably one of the only fortunate aspects of them seldom playing live is that nobody will die by his hand. Brian didn't have it with him at their recent NYC show, which is good, because he probably would have maimed the venue staff (which shall remain nameless) for the way things were run that night. But back to the point...

A good deal of Erased... reminds me of another band I love, Bucket Full of Teeth. Watchmaker follows a more narrow path, eschewing the forays into stoner groove and ambient noise that made BFOT stand out. This is not a bad thing, though, as Watchmaker have become so adept at what they do, they don't need to experiment. Grindcore, power violence, thrash? I don't know what the hell to call it, which is nice because they definitely defy any normal categorization. So go pick this up, get your fists ready to pound on something (yeah, I know this is a porn site, but I don't mean that...) and please, for the love of everything good, stay away from the knives.